Susan sat at the desk in her room under the soft lighting of her desk lamp and stared at the resume in her hands. After six hours of working through dozens of drafts, she decided that this one would suffice. And an attractive resume it was. Sure, she was a little light on the job experience side of things, but holding a doctorate’s degree from the top science-focused university in the country certainly made up for it. It better, Susan thought, I’ll be paying back this student loan for the rest of my life. Despite that fact, Susan couldn’t help but display a proud smile to herself. Even in her elementary school days, she had always wanted to be a Zoologist, spending her working days loving and caring for animals. And getting paid to do it! she exclaimed internally. She was intimately familiar with the steps she’d need to take in order to get there. Finishing school was one of those steps, and now she was ready for the next one.

Susan began counting on her fingers the number of zoos that she’d decided to apply to across the country. Limiting herself to local options didn’t matter to her, as this had become her only passion in life, and she was willing to travel anywhere to exercise that passion. Her counting stopped at twenty-three zoos. I couldn’t imagine getting overlooked by all of them. Someone has to pick me up! she thought strongly but with a stream of worry beginning to penetrate her train of thought. She bit at a nail, then shook her head and sat up straight with confidence.

The following week, Susan didn’t hear from any of her prospective employers. And to make matters worse, she had, after eating a bowl of them with milk and sugar, discovered that she was dangerously allergic to snake sheds and had to be rushed to the hospital.

“Look, I know that people do some weird things in college, but this kind of stuff is going to have to stop if you want to stay healthy enough to begin your career,” the frustrated doctor told Susan. And he was right, Susan had done some weird stuff in her college years, and this wasn’t the first time that this doctor had seen Susan for reasons similar to this.

“I know,” Susan replied sheepishly, “it’s just so hard to deviate from some of the things we practiced in the clubs on campus. I mean, with a name like Shed Tasters, you can probably imagine the sorts of things we ate.”

“No, I’m sorry. I don’t have a diseased brain like you, so I can’t imagine anything like that,” the doctor shook his head and left the room.

Despite eighty percent of her body being covered in enormous, painful boils, Susan was released to return home. She found herself oddly relieved that she hadn’t received any calls from employers, but she was also getting antsy because of it. Two more days passed without a call, and all Susan could do in that time was lie in bed and coat her body in medicated paste and cream cheese, which her uncle, whom she lived alone with, required her to do because he liked the process of knifing it off and spreading it on his bagels. “You eat some truly disgusting things, Uncle,” was all she had to say about that.

Trying her hardest to not place any more orders for exotic animal sheds, she closed her eyes to think of something - anything - else to distract herself. That’s when she received a call.

The zoo wasn’t particularly prestigious or well-known. In fact, it had actually developed an unfortunate reputation for using what some label as ‘abusive techniques’ in the way they interacted with their animals. This could be a great place for me to really contribute and make an impact. Someone has to stand up for these animals and do this job the right way. It might as well be me! Susan thought as she swatted at Uncle, who was transferring cream cheese from her left calf to his toasted bagel.

The zoo was located several states east of where Susan lived, but to her continued relief, the employer was ok with bypassing an in-person interview and conducting one over the phone instead. The interview couldn’t have gone better, and Susan landed the job without any hiccups.

Overcome with joy and excitement, Susan screamed long and loud, causing Uncle to fumble his bagel so it landed face down on the dirty floor. Uncle shrugged, retrieved the bagel, and continued spreading.

“I can’t believe it! I just can’t believe it! So many years of homework, exams, and studying has all been worth it! And in ten days I’ll finally be an official Zoologist!” Susan began answering questions that Uncle hadn’t asked. “Of course, three dollars an hour isn’t ideal, but everyone has to start somewhere, right? I’m just over the moon that I even got the job at all!”

“Mmm hmm, that’s great. Stay still, please,” answered Uncle.

Susan scowled at Uncle, but her smile took over again as she got an email notification stating that her job offer letter had arrived. Her level of excitement had reached a point where it began clouding her sense of judgement, so she skimmed over the job offer letter, signed it, and sent it back to the employer without reading through the job description or employee contract details.

Susan arrived at the zoo on her first day with patches of different-colored skin, permanent scars from her recent allergic reaction. She took a deep breath once inside the gate. Though the animals in the zoo were living in captivity, the very atmosphere of the place was thick with the musk of filthy, wild beasts. She looked around at what appeared to be a light fog residing within the property, only it was light brown. Susan’s heart felt full, as she tried to process if this dream of hers had actually come true.

She was immediately given a beige uniform with a safari-type hat. She looked at herself in the bathroom mirror and a tear formed and fell from her cheek to her collar, giving it a darker tinge. You did it, Susan, she encouraged herself, then opened the bathroom door.

A short man stood on the other side of the door waiting for Susan. He was balding and his facial appearance showed that he hadn’t shaved in nearly a week. It also looked as if he’d just spent a day in a mechanic’s shop, as his clothes were damp and stained with motor oil.

“The name’s Harry Stump, owner of everything you see here, and your guide for the tour you’re about to experience. Speaking of which, let’s go.”

Susan swallowed hard, “Many apologies, sir! I must admit that I wasn’t planning on meeting the actual owner of this place! I’m Susan Braymont, it’s so nice to meet you. I’m sure you’ll be a great tour guide,” she replied while trying to keep up with Harry’s pace.

“Eh, save it, lady,” Harry waived his hand in Susan’s face. “I’m only making an appearance now because, based on what you’ll be doing in the zoo, you’re guaranteed to never see me again.”

Susan frowned, confused at how rude Harry was, but also at what he had said. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean, but I guess I’ll save my questions for the end of the tour.”

“Great idea. Our first stop is right here at the aviary, where you’ll spend much of your time,” Harry indicated the enormous bird cage that must have held at least one hundred different kinds of birds.

Susan gazed in awe.

“Of course, you won’t ever be up here on this level of the zoo. Your station will be down below,” he pointed at the base of the aviary that had mesh wiring running across it. On the other side of the mesh wiring were six or seven people - zoo employees - wearing the same uniform that Susan had on. Their hands were bound behind their backs, their feet were tied together, and each one of them stood still with their heads facing the sky and their mouths open. Harry and Susan watched as a larger bird above defecated and one of the employees below hopped quickly to catch as much of the defecation in his mouth as he could. His mouth filled with liquid bird chalk, but it also covered half of his face. The man then hopped to a large barrel, spit out the contents, and prepared to catch the next dropping.

Susan stared blank-faced, unsure of what to think or say. Finally, “I feel a little embarrassed for asking, but I’m not sure what I just witnessed. What is going on here? And where do I come in to all of this?”

“You definitely should feel embarrassed, lady. A fellow Zoologist, of all people, should be able to identify another Zoologist when she sees one,” Harry replied, annoyed. It was then that he realized that Susan may not understand what Zoology is. “This isn’t what you were expecting, is it?”

“Not at all, to be honest. I was hired as a Zoologist, not…not…this,” Susan admitted.

“Lady, I’m not sure what your understanding of Zoology is, but this is the job.”

Susan began growing frustrated. “But this isn’t Zoology! This isn’t why I went through ten years of schooling and paid hundreds of thousands of dollars!”

“Ah, I see where the breakdown is. You went to school to become a Zoologist in the traditional sense of what that means. I can appreciate that, lady. Now, before I continue, you strike me as someone who’s developed a strange appetite for dining on the molted skin of various animals. Am I correct in that guess?”

Susan looked at the ground and nodded her head in shame.

“I thought so. Your kind always has the worst breath I’ve ever encountered. You people also never seem to actually learn about the position you’ve applied for before accepting the job offer. You’re always so giddy and anxious to get into your dream job and all that garbage.” Harry took a deep breath, then continued, “Here at this zoo, the image of a Zoologist that you’re thinking of doesn’t exist. We’re not known for treating our animals with care like all the other zoos in the country. However, one thing that we do care about is giving guests an atmospheric experience that’s almost identical to being there in the wild. You notice how this place smells? The way the air is colored here?”

Susan nodded again.

“That’s not a mistake, lady. Over the years we’ve spent hundreds of thousands of dollars, just like you did for your schooling. The difference is that our money actually went to something useful and important. We’ve been able to develop a process of replicating the atmosphere of the wild right here within these walls. And that process looks like what you see here,” he pointed again to the employees bobbing around beneath the mesh wiring. “These employees, along with yourself, are responsible for managing the Zoo Logs.”

Susan was pale and speechless, unable to form questions, even irrelevant ones.

“Feces, Susan! Dump! Shit! Droppings! Excrement! Logs! Don’t pretend that you don’t know what I mean so that you can feel better about what you’ve gotten yourself into!” Harry screamed into the air.

Susan finally made the connection, realizing that this midget of a man had literally taken the word ‘Zoology’ and split it into ‘Zoo-Log-Y,’ then created his own twisted version of a scientist that his zoo needed.

All Susan could think to ask was, “But, what is the ‘Y’ at the end for?”

“Why, to make it sound more scientific, of course! Everyone knows that the way to make something sound more scientific is to add a ‘Y’ at the end!”

“So, what you’re telling me is that my job, should I accept it, is to spend each day gathering…” she paused and blushed, then hesitantly whispered, “…poop?”

“Gah, don’t be gross, lady. We call them zoo logs so that the details of the job position can remain ambiguous. We’re not linguistic barbarians! And you’re wrong abut one thing. This is your job from now on. You’re way past the option to turn down the job. Let me guess, you didn’t read the employment contract very thoroughly?”

Susan shook her head.

“Oh boy, you’re not going to like this,” Harry laughed. “When you signed your employment contract, you agreed to work here for the entirety of your career. You can’t leave unless you want to break your contract and spend at least a few decades in prison.”

Before Susan could respond, Harry continued, “What am I doing? You got yourself into this, I shouldn’t have to be explaining everything to you. Let’s go below ground!”

A network of interconnected tunnels existed underground, though it was dark and moist. The noise level was almost deafening, as every few feet a machine was grinding the animal excrement into powder, then blowing it into the air of the zoo like a water mister at a theme park on a hot day. This explained the reason for the brown fog that Susan had admired when she’d initially seen it and breathed it in. However, now that she knew what it was and where it came from, she didn’t have any desire to do anything but spew.

“If you’re going to spew,” Harry screamed over the machinery, “make sure you do it into one of the machines so it doesn’t go to waste. We too are animals, and you are on the clock, let me remind you,” Harry threatened. “Ah, here we are, the Binding Room!”

Harry led Susan into a small candlelit space full of ropes and chains where a line of Zoologists stood in silence, waiting to be either bound or unbound for the day. “This is where we part, lady. I must say, I’m a little disappointed. You seemed so promising from the looks of your resume. Doctorate’s degree, top of your class, all this other fancy stuff. It’s such a shame that someone with your talents will be working here from now on. Nevertheless, I trust that you’ll be able to figure out what to do here next.”

Susan stood in the candlelight silently, half of her face darkened by shadow.

“I’ll give you a hint. Go stand in line over there and be quiet. Seems that you already have the silence thing down. You’re doing great!” Harry shouted and turned to leave.

“Wait!” Susan called out with teary eyes. “Can I ask why the ropes and chains? Why use people at all? Wouldn’t a funnel be more efficient?”

Harry tapped his temple with a finger, “There’s that brain, I knew it was in there somewhere. I’m a very rich man, as you can probably tell. But money isn’t everything, lady. I need laughter in my life, excitement! To be honest with you, I enjoy watching the struggle. It’s humorous. It’s entertaining. Is it necessary for you to be tied up? Of course not. No more than it’s necessary for these animals to be caged! But caged they remain. What can I say? I’m a sick man, and I’m not afraid to admit it!” he finished with a wink and a shrug, then walked off.

At that, Susan Braymont proceeded to have her hands and feet bound tightly, then was immediately assigned to the hippopotamus swamp where she spent the next year being sprayed in the face by moss-colored soup. Her life, she often reflected, was miserable. A simple lapse in judgement for a job application had permanently removed her dream job from becoming a reality. Uncle, who was the most important person in her life, had refused to speak with her since she moved away, solely because he missed the cream cheese so much. But the worst part about it was the student loan that she’d taken out in order to receive one of the best educations in the country. It still weighed heavily on her shoulders every day and would continue to do so for the rest of her life, since three dollars per hour wasn’t even close to what was needed to repay it.

Her education, for all of its beauty on paper, couldn’t have been more unimportant or useless.