The following is inspired by actual events:

It was a sellers’ market, and everyone was screaming like injured swine to take advantage of it. Alastair Hudson and his partner, Jay, were no exception. Having bought only a few years ago, they’d been dumfounded at the parabolic rise in property values in their area. It had taken a time to contact a real estate agent that was available, as most were still in a daze from their sudden wealth and it was rare to find one that hadn’t retired early and moved to some stupid remote island of paradise. They eventually were forced to employ an agent that was new to the business; someone still building their image but no doubt willing to go the extra mile for their clients.

“Oh, I can sell this thing within five days, guaranteed,” Gabriel stated as the homeowners opened their door to him.

Alastair and Jay glanced at each other in disbelief; the man hadn’t even been given a tour yet! The agent took notice and realized that he may have come across as over-confident, so he started over. “What I mean to say is, houses in this area are only staying on the market for an average of ten days right now. You two have obviously taken good care of the home. I don’t see any holes in the walls. No cracked windows or evidence of leaky ceilings. I take it the plumbing is fine?”

“The plumbing is fine, yes,” Alastair confirmed.

“Aside from Al’s bowling nights,” Jay corrected. “Somehow they become boweling nights when he comes home from the lanes.” He jabbed an elbow in Gabriel’s direction in jest.

Alastair nodded. Gabriel gave a snort, but the partners were silent and serious, so Gabriel put his head down awkwardly.

“Don’t you want to look around the place? Sure, the walls in the entryway are fine, but for the sake of argument, how do you know the back bedroom isn’t riddled with bullet holes?” Alastair asked.

Uncertainty stole control of Gabriel’s face. “You’re right, I apologize. Let’s have a look around.”

The three men meandered through the house, occasionally bringing to attention an improvement they had made or an area of particular appeal. The back bedroom did not contain any bullet holes, to Gabriel’s relief. However, he was drawn to an old dog that was sleeping on the master bed. “Oh, I don’t think you mentioned a dog when you sent over your home’s details,” he said.

“We have a dog,” Alastair replied without emotion. “Does it matter?”

“It’s not a big deal, no. But some people like to know these things. I’ve heard too many open house horror stories to overlook any detail, big or small. You know, allergies and whatnot,” he shrugged. “Old guy doesn’t seem to mind strangers, though, so that’s good.”

“Old girl. And that’s because she’s nearly thirty years old and she’s lost her sense of curiosity. She’s a good girl, though, and she’ll come to you if you extend a hand to her.”

Gabriel hated dogs, but didn’t wish to reveal that about himself. He put his hand out as the other two left the room. But as the dog neared, he shooed her away and stomped a heavy foot at her before leaving the room himself.

The dog stored the memory.

“It’s as I suspected, your place will sell in five days or less. I’ll admit that I’m glad I took a look around, though, so thanks for that,” the agent said humbly. He glanced at his watch. “Our reservation nears.” He’d asked to take the men to dinner to discuss the next morning’s open house, but also to build equity with them so they didn’t dismiss him as their agent. “Shall we meet at the restaurant?”

The men assented politely. As they’d planned to leave town for the weekend while the open house ran its course, they gathered their things and exchanged their opinions about Gabriel after he’d left. Once ready, they made for the door.

“I wish you wouldn’t discuss my bowling nights with strangers.”

“Eh, everyone has those nights. Shit the size of bowling pins. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Hey, turn that Roomba on, will you? Might as well get one last clean in before tomorrow. We can just have Gabriel turn it off in the morning.”

“It’s the size and weight of bowling balls, and the color of pins, you oaf. And it hurts.” Alastair argued as the Roomba began scurrying around the house.

The men feasted on the finest shrimp scampi in the area, though Gabriel nearly lost their business when he placed a surprise order of sweet potato fries. Instead of returning the fries to the kitchen, Alastair and Jay called the cooks to their table. They then made Gabriel mash the fries with his palm, then toss them in the trash where they belonged. “Undo your mistake,” Alastair had commanded, and so he did.

While the men indulged themselves, the old dog at home stewed on her experience with Gabriel. The tease of extending his hand; the sound of his shooing; that awful foot stomp. She meditated for a long time to the sound of the Roomba working hard in the living room. You may not be able to teach an old dog new tricks, but they can certainly teach themselves. She decided to put a new spin on the oldest trick in her book. She mustered up the loosest, most pungent and vile revenge poop she could, then walked toward the Roomba.

Her insides weren’t what they used to be, but what she lacked, the Roomba made up for. As if in cahoots with one another, the dog and Roomba were completely in sync. As the dog released a small serving in one part of the house, the Roomba tactically finished the job by gliding over it and painting the carpet. The process continued until morning.

When morning finally arrived, Gabriel was greeted by a large group of potential buyers eagerly waiting for the open house to start. Brimming with eager expectation himself, he simply turned the key and flung the door open for the public. Before anyone could enter, a thick brown cloud blew out the door, throwing people to the ground with force. Moments later, as visibility improved, a hard-at-work Roomba crawled toward Gabriel before being stopped at the door’s threshold.

The wide-eyed real estate agent had indeed built his image; it just wasn’t the color he was expecting.

And in the back bedroom, the old dog slept soundly.