“It's too cold,” said Kerry through clattering teeth.

She was wrapped tightly in a sleeping bag, and had called out to her husband multiple times about the cold weather to no avail. She could hear his deep snores, completely unaffected by the sub-zero temperatures that were keeping her from falling asleep.

She seethed, having almost no energy left as she reached for her phone to check the time. Her eyes went white with pain when she clutched the device, its metal and glass structure searing her fingers with a razor sharp chill. Kerry whimpered to herself, then used a sock to pick up the phone.

When she clicked it on, the brightness of the light illuminated the entire tent, causing an uproar of grunting snores from her unconcious husband. The screen had fried her eyes too, but she couldn’t miss the opportunity to get his attention. “Honey!? Honey!? It's freezing in here, I-'' she was interrupted by a snore that was louder than a shotgun blast.

Kerry grit her teeth and looked at the time, squinting her eyes to avoid the cornea singe of the bright screen in the pitch black tent. “3am,” she whined in a whisper. She hadn’t slept this poorly since the last time she went camping.

Yet somehow, her husband always talked her into going again. And here she was, frozen solid, miserable, and knowing that these feelings weren’t going to change anytime soon. So Kerry stared at the roof of her tent, eyes burning from extreme fatigue, and mind racing about how to tell Bruce that she would get a divorce before she ever stepped foot into a tent again.

Her head jerked to the side of the tent when she heard a loud twig snap outside. She was already frigid, but her heart filled with icy fear. She lay perfectly still, failing to stop her teeth from chattering from both the terror and below-freezing conditions. Kerry didn’t dare call for Bruce now, because certainly a giant bear was moments away from chowing down into their sheer shelter.

That is when the sniffing began. She heard the sound of leaves crunching and a loud panting directly behind her head. Her eyes had frozen tears dripping like icicles, and panic was setting in. Still, Kerry didn’t move, not a single muscle twitched as she listened in outright terror. Bruce was still snoring, so loud that it was hard for her to keep track of where the animal was outside the tent. For what felt like hours, she tracked each leaf crunch, little grunt, and sniff that came from the mystery beast.

Maybe it's a boar? She thought with little hope. Even if it was a boar, could she defend herself from a wild tusked hog? She wished desperately that her husband would wake up, as he had no fear of this sort of situation. But this is how it always went. She’d be up all night while he slept like a baby drunk on warm milk.

ACHOO!

Her sneeze came from nowhere, and the snot hit the side of the tent like a metal BB, as it had frozen in mid-air. The crunching noise stopped immediately. She clenched her hands and squeezed her eyes as tight as she could. Just let it end, just let it end. After two minutes with no snorts or twig snaps, she became a little hopeful that she’d scared the animal away.

And with that thought, she heard the sound of multiple creatures running up to the outside of the tent, the sound of crackling leaves outmatched by the ferocious roaring and growls from these hidden monsters. Whatever they were, they started dragging the tent quickly through the forest. Kerry could barely feel the cold now, as she was trying to get to her feet as rocks were slicing her back while the tent slid over the terrain.

No longer was she trying to stay silent, she was downright screaming. It was like a carnival game, she couldn't keep her footing as the bottom of the tent was being shredded by jagged stones, twisted roots, and rough drops. She tripped and fell on top of Bruce, who was still sound asleep, snores pouring out while he looked extremely comfortable.

Kerry continued to lay on Bruce, using him as a makeshift surfboard while the animals outside continued to drag them rapidly. She was pounding on his chest, begging for him to wake up. “Bruce! Please, please Bruce, I don’t know what's happening, there is a bear, or a boar, or-” she was cut off by a roar of rage from outside the tent.

It had been so ferocious that her sleeping bag was now soiled due to the massive spike in fear. Bruce cooed, drool pouring out of his mouth. Kerry punched him in the groin as hard as she could. That did the trick. Bruce sat up fast, grabbing into his sleeping bag and moaning in pain. He was disoriented, but slowly realized Kerry was sitting on top of him as the tent was moving.

“Ker- what- what is-” Bruce was cut off mid sentence.

“I have NO idea, but there are animals moving our tent. Do something! Please stop this!” Kerry yelled, holding onto his shoulders with the slightest relief that she was no longer alone in this.

Bruce shook his head to wake up a little more, grabbed his carbon-fiber flashlight, and unzipped the window. At first they couldn’t see anything, but once he clicked on the flashlight, a foaming-mouthed bear turned its head to them fast enough to cause whiplash. It bared its teeth and growled a deeply guttural grunt that rumbled both Bruce and Kerry’s hearts. Bruce’s hand shot like lightning to re-zip the tent’s window.

Kerry looked at Bruce, and he looked back at her. Just before Kerry spoke, the bear and whatever other animal was dragging them started roaring one after the other, in what sounded like a coded message. Then they heard loud steam, and the sound of a metal door opening. The tent began moving again, and they felt the forest floor beneath become a metal grate.

The bear began to whimper and they heard the two animals take off in the opposite direction, pounding as they ran as fast as they could. Bruce dove to the back of the tent, unzipped the window, and shined his light. He saw the silhouette of a bear and a boar darting into the thick treeline, never to be seen again. As he squinted to see where they went, two metal doors slammed into each other, and red lights turned on as they felt the tent now moving mechanically downward.

Kerry had been so relieved that the animals left, and so grateful that the unending cold had subsided, that she almost couldn’t take in the fact that she was no longer in the remote forest. She just laid back and started to gently doze off when Bruce shook her. “What are you doing Kerry!? We are in deep shit… on some kind of maintenance elevator.”

“Oh, I dunno Bruce, you seemed to have no trouble sleeping through Antarctic temperatures while bears and boars stalked the tent and dragged us to God knows where,” Kerry said with a frosty bite.

Bruce waived her away and unzipped the door to the tent, his hand tightly gripping his camping knife. He slowly made his way out, shining his light around the dimly lit elevator as it made its way deep into the Earth. Once he was out of the tent, Kerry changed her clothes, grabbed her walking stick, and went out to join him.

After about ten minutes of looking around, the elevator’s speed began to increase. Soon they were dropping so quickly that their tent lifted into the air, and Bruce grabbed Kerry’s wrist to keep her from floating as well. Kerry was sobbing and Bruce was angry, having no idea what in the world was happening.

And then it stopped, hurling the tent down and smashing all of their belongings inside. Both of their ankles were hurting, and their heads were spinning with the sudden change of motion. The elevator doors slowly opened, and red lights flickered to reveal a wooden door at the end of a long hallway. “I-I don’t want to go Bruce,” Kerry said through chattering teeth.

As soon as she said it, an alarm noise went off in the elevator, and they heard horrible grinding metallic sounds from underneath. They looked at each other and both dove out of the elevator just in the knick of time. The gears underneath broke to pieces, and the platform collapsed and fell down a dark abyss. They waited a few minutes, but never heard the platform hit the bottom. Bruce looked to her, frowned, and pointed his knife towards the door at the end of the hallway.

The couple walked slowly towards the door, and Bruce motioned for her to open it as he stood to the side with his knife, ready for whatever waited on the other side. “I love you. So, so much,” Kerry said to her husband tenderly but quietly.

Bruce kissed her on the forehead. “I love you beyond measure, Kerry.”

She turned the knob, and crouched behind the door as it opened. Bruce rushed in, and a fluorescent light poured into the hallway. Kerry waited a few moments before peaking in. Bruce was standing right on the other side, looking around what appeared to be a waiting room. It was a drab brown, with mold around the ceiling, the heater rattling as hot air filled the space.

“Please close the door, I wouldn't want to let all the heat out!” said a young receptionist sitting behind a glass window.

Other than her, the waiting room was empty. “He’s expecting you, please go right on in. No need to sign in with me.”

Bruce looked at Kerry, then back to the receptionist. “Ma’m, can I please ask, wh-”

“You may not ask anything, you may QUICKLY proceed to the office. No more QUESTIONS!” The young woman hissed.

Bruce and Kerry headed straight for the office, opening the door and getting as far away from her as they could. They were immediately greeted by a small gray man in a drab brown suit. He had a small lapel pin that read “LM” on his jacket, and a cigar hanging from his lips. “Evening, folks. Please, have a seat,” he said while gesturing to two heavily stained chairs in front of his desk.

The couple sat down and held hands, waiting for what could possibly come next. “Loving couple, very cute, very cute indeed. I love to see it, truth be told, love to see it,” said the gray man, taking a huge drag from the cigar, blowing a smoke square towards the ceiling of the office.

“I’m basically a nobody, but corporate wanted me to have a little chinwag with you folks, so that's what I’m doing. I’m sure you are very curious, so I’ll make it quick. You all are from Frisco, correcto? I’m talking about San Fran, golden gate shining bright or whatever. Alactraaaazzzz, you catch my drift? Well, the birdies are tellin us that you two are very neighborly, very selfless and stand up members of the community. Am I right?”

Bruce’s lips sputtered and Kerry stared wide eyed at the man. “Well, I’m not wrong, so I’m told. You guys feed the homeless, clean trash, rescue sweet little dogs, the list goes on and on. Wow, what a duo, any city be’d lucky to have yeh! However! You little goodie two shoes are taking it a little too far, and my bosses are startin to notice, yeh dig? Let's just say that the balance is outta wack, too much kindness means not enough misery. DING DING! That's the answer, that's all folks. Tone it down, or move to another city, that's your business. Thanks for your time, hasta la vista!” said the man, pressing a red button on his desk.

Kerry woke up in the tent, it was early morning and she was warm and nestled in her cozy sleeping bag. She smiled when she saw Bruce out at the fire, pouring her a fresh cup of coffee. She hadn’t slept that well in a long time, and felt completely rested and ready to take on the day. “Morning honey, thank you so much for getting the coffee going! I love you so much,” she said through a beaming smile.

The next day they returned home, sad that their trip was over but happy to be back in the city. They loved San Francisco, and had both grown up here. When they parked the car in front of the town house, a homeless person was sleeping in front of the stairs leading to their porch. “I’ll take care of him, honey,” Kerry said as Bruce was reaching for his wallet to give the man some help.

Kerry walked towards the man, and bent down gently. “Hey buddy, hope you’re having a nice day! So sorry, but we have to carry some stuff up these stairs. SO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, GET IT? DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT SITTING ON MY SIDEWALK AGAIN, YOU DIRTY SCUMBAG! MOVE IT! MOVE IT!!!!”

The man looked hurt and confused, and wandered down the sidewalk. Kerry picked up her phone, and dialed a number. “Hey, this is Kerry. We won’t be picking up any of those stray dogs tonight, let them out for all we care, but don’t expect us. And let the kitchen know we won’t be donating another minute of our time. Bye sweetie.”

Bruce and Kerry hugged each other, kissed, and began unloading the car.